I was always curious. I didn’t know why there was no toilet paper, although my mother worked in the paper industry so I know from the first hand that there was paper production going on.
At school – there were this great, great writers, everybody knew they were great. Hemingway for example- but now, what I have stupidly discovered – he was a friend of Fidel. Fidel’s friend. Isn’t Fidel a commie? Commie – means the enemy, the worthless bad guy, who makes us suffer – that is why I have no house and this nasty lady with whom we are sharing our big apartment is disconnecting our power and claiming to the biuro, that we don’t live there anymore. Commie – the murderer.
So, Hemingway- the American ( aren’t Americans supposed to be good I am asking?) – was a friend of Fidel. The Cuban guy, if you don’t know. Fuck him then. But wait – there is Robert – Robert Redford- the iconic American good boy making a movie about Che. Well, I’ve seen it before but was too ignorant to know – a movie about Che. Che – the commie, the murderer, the reason of our sufferings.
Fuck them all! And I am not saying it as a compliment.
Anyway – there was just too much confusion in my upbringing. It all made me sick, temporarily. But I am healthy now and ready for fight- ready to think. My vision is clear and I am not easily corrupted. And since I am very insignificant, I can say everything, even something dumb.
There is a lot of gossip everywhere. I need to reset my software, my mind software because it got so crumbled I got sick.
I don’t trust the church either. Or the professors – either from left or right anymore. This one for example; he wants to introduce Zakon in our country. There is something wrong with him and I pity the poor guy.
Recently – I started studying economics. I didn’t know it was important- how could I know? There was no economy in our state of fools.
Although I finished the state university – I feel reluctant to play dumb – and curse – but, well, I have to. Yes, I admit, I am the unsuitable one, the one who talks not on the level and my words are sounding hoarse.
I had a dream that the state university was liquidated. I felt elated. I don’t know why. I always dreaded those professors, so self- important, so inhuman. Before speaking to them – I had to imagine them as little children, but I couldn’t see them that way. See, they couldn’t possibly be children, babies. Impossible. I think they were created in commie laboratories, somewhere in incubators, already adult and ready to kill your soul.
The same thing is with all institutions anyway.
And, I always have a censor in my head. But it’s just a fault of my weak personality. Outside influences are very strong and not to be ignored. So just in case I am against everything- temporarily.
One thought on “Why my childhood sucked and who stands behind it all – a diary of a stupid girl from the Soviet Block. Investigation.”
Interesting, powerful words. I feel like my “education” betrayed me too, and as an adult I have my mind back in my control and can decide for myself, with my heart what feels right and wrong, not the lies that the “experts” feed kids and their innocent minds. I felt a lot of confusion in my upbringing too. There are many adults — parents, teachers, adults considered ‘experts’, etc. — that are themselves confused and ignorant, who feed the cycle of confusion and ignorance in society. It is not easy to find Truth out there, so much dis-information and mis-information all over the place.